You know how sometimes you want to be a decent human being?
It’s almost a cosmic event for me at this point. At the beginning of the month I think. “I’m going to be a great employee, I am going to get promoted, I’m going to try to like my job and be positive.” And then the captain of all douchery aka “Monday” (which should be the third day of the weekend by the way) rolls around, my alarm attempts to lull me from my slumber—fails of course. Not once, not twice. But enough times for me to reach that happy medium of getting a few extra minutes of sleep and the darkness. Here I lie at the greatest crux in the history of mankind. I could hit the “stop” button, go to work, get there on time and be a respectable person in society. Or, I could hit the snooze button again and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes. So, as you might have guessed I hit that snooze button like Chris Brown and proceeded into the dark abyss of my cool comforting sheets. Eventually, I blink myself out of bed and catch a whiff of the time “Yow!” One questionably short shower, a skimmed over tooth-brush and a haphazard lunch prep later, I knew the undeniable truth. “Fuck it I’m going to be late today.”
Yeah, your job sucks, or maybe you’re just tired of it, either way this thing you’re doing isn’t working out anymore. By now you have probably resigned in your mind, “it’s just a simple contractual obligation” you think. So you’ve started looking at hot new prospects, jobs with shorter skirts and a more youthful approach. Because just like a relationship gone wrong, you need to get out of this job and into a better situation, or you could hit the snooze button, like I did. Please say hi to Morpheus for me.
It looked good on paper. (What you see, isn’t what you get)
I know I know, you saw the job description online, it looked vivacious, curvy and had great bonus potential. A job title so resounding, so flashy, so gosh darn ambiguous that you had no idea it was a call center position. Now you are sitting at your desk, twirling your pencil as you wear those stupid headphones that irritate the hell out of your ears. Yeah, you are trapped but you’re in this thing for the long haul. Until you find another job that is.
Promises that never came to fruition….
You’ve heard it all before. They want to mold you into a manager. All these extra hours are for something, but time and time again, you get passed up for promotions and your schedule is still a mess. Let’s be honest, you are just too good at your current position, and they don’t want to replace you. So you see countless people pass you and inevitably you become frustrated because nothing after all these years ever amounted to anything and most likely nothing ever will.
Doing too much, and not getting enough back
You do it all, your work, your coworkers work, and your bosses work. You mop the floors, file all the documents, handle customers, plan events for the entire team and you make the coffee runs because you’re just the “greatest little employee” ever. But the best part is, the boss comes to you for all the difficult things, so much so that you wonder why you are not the boss yourself. Like the righteous person you are you do all of this extra stuff for free and just bank your less than adequate 15$ an hour, but things could be worse, you could be homeless or, well, black in America.
What’s the point anymore? Welcome to “the Crisis”
These days’ jobs are looking for mindless robots who say and always do the right thing. For years you have been able to “beep-bop-boop” with the best of them, ensuing in the grandest game of pretend, but you are done. You are not happy and definitely not passionate about your job. “It’s just a job.” And life is too short for this kind of torture. Your passions lie elsewhere, preferably in Narnia or Hogwarts. Let’s not forget about Westeros while we’re at it. Unfortunately, you need this job, as it is a mere lifeline of gratuitous sustenance. And you need every penny of it, until you really make it on your own, get something better or finally get accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. (Good luck)
Staying in it for the children….
Unfortunately, money, instagram, ok and youtube make this world go around. So unless you’re a fit shimmering woman or have a lot of money, you probably have to stick out this job. I know it sucks, especially since you’ve already put through hundreds of job applications. But remember, without the money the little ones can’t eat, or even worse, neither can you. So you grumble, you crumple your fist and lord knows you take a few more minutes of lunch time than you should. But damn it, you deserve it and they don’t deserve you.
Solution: Well, aside from dealing drugs, you can start stripping. Dealing is illegal “wink, wink.” And I would never condone such a thing. Oh robbery, rob a bank or a rich old man.
It just doesn’t feel the same anymore….
The first day, you suited/dressed up. You shaved, and YOU LOOKED GOOD, like catcalled good. It was all about the impression, and trying to get ahead. But after weeks and months of attrition, of promises that fell by the waist side, overtime never paid, after the endless increases in performance expectations and the same pay you have from day one, you’ve finally had enough! Just because you came in late that one time doesn’t mean they can treat you this way. After all, you’re a strong confident woman and you are not wasting your best years here!
Permanent damage and cheating……
You tried, you really tried. You thought spicing things up would make it better, candles, nice dresses, but no one ever noticed.
Enough is enough, you work hard, and get paid very little. You’re tired and so you start looking around and dating other jobs to see if something is there. You want to be fulfilled, penetrated with deep everlasting income and these other jobs are getting younger and you’re getting older. Job titles are becoming slimmer, more attractive and darn right good-looking. You’ve seen it all, sleeker offices, nice kitchens, and by god full insurance coverage. But even more so, they make you feel something you haven’t in a long time, wanted. So you dangle your resume relentlessly, create the cutest (scratch that) professional Linkedin profile known to mankind to see what type of pull you can get. Maybe you can get more money, a lateral promotion and well….respect. The funny thing is, you know it’s over, in fact you have known it for a long time. If you had the courage you might just quit before you score a hot new job.
And all this time your manager has seen you wearing less and going out more, hanging out with a new team they’ve never seen before. Now they wonder if you’re bending over backwards for someone else, wondering if you’re listing all the things you learned there for someone else.
All things Drake aside, they know you’re qualified for so much more but they are far more interested in keeping you static and beneath their unmitigated wrath. Which is why it is all the more satisfying as they look the other way when you come in dressed to kill, fresh off of an amazing interview, because they are surprisingly ok with watching the world burn. All you know is that when that hotline bling, you won’t be there to answer that ring.
Moving on…The break up;
Breaking up, isn’t the hardest thing to do, but my god waiting around is.
So congratulations, you did it, you scored a hot new job with awesome bonuses at the end of the year, a perfect kitchen and a hot body. (I couldn’t come up with anything clever there)
The crappy part is that, well, she is hot. Like Megan fox leaning over a car hot, like Adriana Lima Victoria secret show hot, like Scarlet Johansson at any time hot. But the caveat is that you have to sit there and wait. Yes, if you read your contract you will find the fantastically awesome stipulation that you will have to put a two, or a four-week notice in. So depending on your sentencing you will have to sit through mind numbing terrible shift after shift as the days cringe by. Until that fateful day when it all finally comes to an end and you can begin your beautiful burgeoning dalliance with something so, so much more. Until…..that job sucks too.