Why no one is reading your blog – Part X: The next generation

This series has given me so much joy to write and for whatever reason, a lot of people have enjoyed reading it as well. So, this Blogmas, old saint Lion is coming to town with a new bag of tricks and all the fixings of awesome that you enjoy. That’s right, I’m bringing it back like Ghost busters, Jurassic park, Star wars or – something cool, (directed by Christopher Nolan and starring Leonardo Dicaprio of course). But this time…IT’S FOR REAL! Unlike some movie reprisals, I really hope that this post lives up to its previously high billing. I’m looking at you Robo cop……

 

The existence of my blog

If the blogosphere is the universe, then I am the sun, so with that said, it might play a large, some would say “cosmic” reason as to why no one else is reading yours. There’s only enough space for mine. I’m joking of course, I’m merely a lion pawing away at his keys hoping for a few likes and comments from his readers or reader from time to time. Please come back, I can’t even get my wife to read this thing, so that says a lot about me.

 

 

neil-patrick-harris-barney-stinson-35089250-500-538

God Bless you Ted you’re reading my blog.

 

By the way, have you read my blog?

As you have most likely heard by now, my blog can do it all, dance, sing and model. It’s a triple threat baby! If you are looking to improve your blog, or get more readers, go ahead and check out my first two entries of the epic trilogy. “Shameless plus alert” (Why no one is reading your blog – Part 1 and Why no one is reading your blog – Part Deux)

If you don’t know, now you know.

 

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Does this mean I get to be the new Lord of Winterfell?

 

Does the carpet match those drapes (It’s the Décor you filthy animals)

Look no one else is going to tell you this, but I care, I really do. You have a booger the size of Wyoming and if you don’t extricate that malignant beast no one will ever visit your blog. Your blog should corral prospective readers into checking out more content, not send them away. So, much like Scarlett Johannsson on a Sunday morning (or my wife, love you baby!) it should be easy on the eyes, hard on the eggs and extreme on the bacon – high cholesterol be dammed!

Depending on your blogging platforms limitations, make sure to change your layout to accommodate easy access. (Wink wink) Keep your page clean, concise and avoid pop-up add-ons like you’re in an episode of the walking dead.

 

Burial

Just so you know, your blog is not an Egyptian ruler desecrating and buried in an old sarcophagus. Spring back into the realm of the living by sharing your old posts. You never know who might need to see your post at any given time. The topics you are writing might save someone’s life, help them reach their full potential, or awaken the brimming serial killer inside just waiting to get out. So whatever you do, don’t give up on it. Save a serial killer today.

In a world, where social media websites pop up like a game of whack a mole, you have boundless places to promote your site. So be bold, be persistent and for the love of god sign up for stumble upon, Facebook and the like. I still haven’t figured out the black magic that is pintrest and I am quite pintrested at this point. Get it? Pintrested? Because I am interested in….Pintres…….

How to get a bunch of views on Pinterest….you know, if you believe in that sort of thing

 

Joker-Burning

Everything Burns

 

Trust your voice…

Yes it may be weird, most likely awkward as hell, but guess what? It’s you and someone out there likes that person even if you are a psychopath hell-bent on destruction, or the Don himself.

When you are genuine to yourself and your voice, not only will that reflect in your readers it will reflect on the type of friends you attract as well. (Life lesson advice) So go ahead and embrace yourself, your strange, odd, awkward, nerdy, only-talked-to-one-girl that-one-time self and maybe just maybe you won’t be alone when you watch the world burn.

Don’t question it, I am a nerdy lion after all.

 

 

50cent

Because, its your birthday

 

Categories (Cuz you a window shoppa)

You know, like that 50 cent song when he was a relevant rapper….no? ok.

Every girl likes to window shop. So, make it easy for your readers to do so, organize your blog posts into categories. You don’t have to be super clever here, but if you have a post about bodybuilding and fitness, put it under – well, bodybuilding and fitness. That way, when Dwayne the Rock Johnson reads your page about tips on how to get even bigger, he can know exactly where to look. Don’t mess up, the rock is still cooking these days and I hear it tastes fantastic.

 

Glade plug in - holiday scent

Now available in a holiday fragrance of your choice!

 

Plug it in plug it in (WP only)

Once you can afford it, upgrade your account so that you can get into the plugin game. They have a huge array of benefits from SEO, sharing — all the way to the quality of the comment section’s life.(because you’re so thoughtful.) They also have the added benefit of magically making you a successful blogger over night, so if you can’t afford them, make sure to find a way around that and install them anyway. (black market style)

Besides, if none of that tickles your delicate fancy, they also smell really good.

 

Spock - Logic

The forgotten inventor of the peace sign

 

Your readers matter

Sure, if you are writing an online journal then your readers can essentially bugger off, this blog is for you and anything else is delicious icing on top of your cake. But if you are writing to an audience then their thoughts do matter and you should pay attention to their response to each post written.

I’ll be honest, I have some (I think anyway) pretty funny satire that I haven’t posted yet because it’s titled “How to figure out a women.” Given that most of my audience are women I’m slightly terrified of alienating them, however I’m sure in a few months I’ll stop caring and post it anyway. (That’s right you two!!)

It’s actually the funniest thing I have ever written. Don’t worry, I also have a “How to figure out men” as well to balance it out.

When a post does really well, try to replicate the sort of quality and voice that went into that post. I find the posts that do the best are the ones I spent the most time on and that I enjoyed writing the most. I know right, its only logical…

 

Krilling dying - Taken

Time to get the dragon balls again, where’s Bulma?

 

The question is…..

Will you ever listen to me and get that massive first follower you so richly deserve? Will your cat ever stop jumping in your laptop and shaking her butt in your face? Will the human race ever stop being so sensitive about everything online? Will Krillin stop dying and finally get his chance to shine?

Find out on the next episode of dragon ball Z….Z….Z….Z….echo……

 

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