Engagement is not just simply the act of getting down on one knee begging, “Please baby please, will you be my first follower?” It’s a relationship! A dalliance that must feel authentic from the first romantic click all the way to the hopeful and most times unlikely mammoth known as – the follow.
This follower is unlike any other. She is a beautiful redhead, recently single, not looking to date but ready to fall in love, and fate has put her locker two down from yours, two lockers down! So, step up or lose out.
Like any other hopeless blogger, you rush to her page, click like, follow, marry (if its available) post a meaningful comment and something magical happens, she responds back! But here’s the kicker – she doesn’t follow you… (Sad face, wonk, wonk, wonk)
Much like friends with benefits, there should be some, tangible, well – benefits. Nothing out-of-pocket of course, unless you are using hands.
You know the drill. Like for like, comment for comment, tit for tat if you will. In any case, it has to go both ways, much like gender fluidity.
Genuine reciprocation should leave both parties happy and satisfied. If not, that just means you didn’t do it right. In the event that you are a savant of pleasure and creative wordplay …. or me. You should be fine, if not learn fast. Other people are willing to go down (on the comment page) and leave wonderfully exciting words of merriment. You can’t just phone it in with a “nice post!” and expect anyone to put out.
You got to work!
This begins the relentless back and forth, the playful banter, the mellifluous soliloquies and yet, all this time she is in the midst of the greatest decision that has ever been made in blogging history.
She’s thinking “I think I like you, I really do. Wait, you like me too? Oh my gosh I think, I think this might be the beginning of something wonderful. He’s a really good-looking Lion and sometimes he says some clever stuff, but is that enough for me to follow him into the jungle for the rest of my life? Am I ready to join the pride and run with the animals in the wild? Am I a free bird like Lynyrd Skynyrd? Should I say yes, to the dress?”
Um, duh, click it. Like now.
No seriously, go now and click follow.
Things are beginning to get hot and heavy. She already let you get to first and second base, lord knows she even re-blogged a few of your terrible posts, and now is the high stakes round. But don’t get ahead of yourself you clumsy bastard, if you play your cards right tonight she might let you go all-the-way. And you know what that means……the guest blog!
If you like it…. you better put a ring on it.
So now that she’s whipping her hair and grinding on that surfboard like Beyoncé looking for her glass of lemonade, you realise – this just got serious.
Suddenly, it’s not just about you and how cute you think your latest trip was. You need an indelible theme that leaves your audience reeling about how great it was and how much it slays. You start paying attention to things like grammar, prose and read other blogs (like mine) about how to be unreasonably awesome all the time.
You start going out less and posting more, bringing your phone with you to the dance floor, hanging with some bloggers I have never seen before……
Until that fateful day arrives, when you and your lady are standing at the altar of the “follow button” about to make the biggest decision of your lives, staring longingly into each other’s hopeful Gravatars.
“I vow to read your blog in sickness and in health, in poorness and in
wealth, (who are we kidding, poorness) when your prose is lacking and when you stop being funny, when you inevitably sell out and try to make money on advertising.”
“Do you take this Nerdy Lion to be your lawfully wedded follow?”
Again, duh. Of course, you do. (Just click to the left of the “browse” button on my home page) Can’t miss it!!
These hoes aint loyal
It started with a Liebster award nomination to some random blog you’ve never heard of, and now it’s getting out of hand….
There’s so many other good-looking bachelors out there that its hard to keep a girl loyal around these parts. So, my friends, your blog needs to be attractive, smell good and you need to learn how to maintain a relationship. That’s right, reply to comments, go ahead and reciprocate, otherwise you’ll find them whispering sweet nothings to some other no good blogger, leaving you alone with just you and your hand tonight….
Just typing……nothing dirty.