Warning! This superhero monologue will get your blog off to a quick start and if your lucky, you might even get super powers.
My name…is Barry Allen and I’m the fastest man alive.
If it’s one thing I know, it’s how to go fast. And I don’t mean your grandma limping to bingo fast, I’m talking about unbridled tangible speed.
These days, running around like an aimless speedster has admittedly become tiresome – kidding. But now I want to show that I’m more than just a bolt of lightning, I’m going to shock you with what I have in my tights. That’s right! I’m going to supercharge your blog and send it into the blogosphere.
Most folks believe blogging is a slow tumultuous grind to the top, that the market is saturated and that you won’t be able to stand out.
Listen, just because you’re not the “lightning before the thunder” like me, doesn’t mean its ok for you to lag behind with those other doe-eyed bloggers. You’re a peacock, its time to act the part.
Ever since that lightning bolt hit me that day in S.T.A.R labs I realized my destiny. So now, I’m going to help you realize yours and show you how to go faster than any blog has gone in history…because I am the flash
Sorry about that guys, the Flash obviously stole my computer and then disapeared….in a flash.
Promote your blog
Self-promotion is one of the most ambivalent topics when it comes to blogging, it’s essentially the equivalent of selling your soul for rock and roll. However, if you want to catapult your blog to the masses, you are going to need copious amounts of it.
Promotion is king when you are starting out, so if you don’t know how, check out my previous post where I talk about how I self promote. (Ironically, like this.)
You might have to work overtime to promote your blog at first. It will be difficult and tiring, but if blogging is what you want to do – try looking at it like a part-time job. This endeavor is for you, so invest time and effort and it will pay massive dividends – or not. Most likely it wont, but, at the very least it can and will help others, so give it the ol’ college try, or if college wasn’t your thing, pretend your blog is that beautiful, flowing girl/guy at the mall that you have been wanting to ask out for a while. (Now who’s motivated?)
So, pass flyers on the street, sell your blog as if it’s the most delicious hot dog in history and the world just needs it. Be proud of your work and believe that you can truly make a difference and help others with your words, because isn’t that why we do this?
Make it useful
If you are trying to get your blog off to a good start, you might want to make your posts somewhat useful. I mean, things that will actually help others. So, for example if your target audience is people “who just love cats,” (Milly I’m looking at you) you might want to write about “ways to not pick up more strays”, “cat dental hygiene,” “tales from the kitty litter box,” “5 reasons they like to jump on your computer” and finally, “how their compulsion to stick their butt in your face is correlated to anxiety relief.” What you don’t want to do is write about “getting away with murder” to that same crowd. That, could be problematic and help the FBI build a case against you. We don’t want that.
My rule of thumb is that regardless of time and space, (And all things Rick and Morty) if your blog, in a vacuum is useful to people, then you are on the right track. If its use is tethered to other fleeting things that change with the wind, its value will probably diminish as time goes by. Blogging aficionados call this “evergreen.” I personally don’t have a name for it, but it will make your blog timeless and that’s ok too.
Don’t start your blog right away.
The best way to get your blog off to a quick start is to wait….
I know this sounds counterintuitive, but the truth is – waiting, might be the most intelligent thing you could possibly do.
One of the biggest, monumental mistakes bloggers make is leaping in way to early and not knowing the very crucial elements of your blog like; direction, voice, theme, niche, or probably the most important – you haven’t even written a post yet.
Start there – write a blog post.
I know, its terrible. Try again and again, and again until it sounds unforced and genuine. If things go really well you can compile a few posts and keep them in the bank for later. Use this time to get ahead and find out what your vision is for your blog so that one day you can aspire to be awesome – like me.
Do some heavy research, remember, you’re terrible at this, so read other blogs, find out what styles are successful, and most importantly what resonates with you.
“Your blog is worth the wait.” – That…sounded better in my head.
Make the best posts possible
When you first start out, you want to attract people to (I don’t know) read your blog, so really spend time on your first few posts and make sure they kick some serious tale. These posts should be engaging, funny – or at least try to be. (Here’s my first post)
I’m sure this sounds like a lot of work and it is, but not to worry my friends, once your audience is adequately charmed, you can slack off. In the meantime, make sure to plan each post and make it interesting! Hell – be downright controversial if you have to. Take your time! Take a page out of my book and post once a week, that way you can focus on each post and not stress out about doling out content like you’re in a sweatshop.
Once you’ve built up enough sweat equity, then go full-bore and post as much as you want. But, until you feel comfortable, I would stick to once a week so that you slowly build consistency – which is more important than posting like you’re Donald Trump on twitter.
Read other blogs
Go online, find other articles (like mine) that can help expedite the process to becoming a pro. Remember, there’s been millions before you who have done this, don’t be stupid and try to figure it out yourself. You’re smart, but my lord, don’t flatter yourself.
Here’s a few links that helped me and my own shameless ones as well.
Shame, Shame, Shame….
Figure out your voice
According to a study I just made up, the #1 thing that bloggers say impresses them about a person’s blog – is voice. (Ok I lied). But let’s peruse something shall we? Would you rather someone listen to you perform when your voice is still cracking and inappropriate like Fergie during the All-star game? Or, would you rather them listen to the beautifully mellifluous sounds of the Queen B herself?
Hone that voice, it might be the only decent thing about your blog! (Find out how to do it here.)
Having a smooth silky Morgan Freeman voice will make your blog appear to be polished, well done and quite frankly, way above its actual register. That’s right ladies and gentleman we are in the game of deception, lets fool some people into thinking your better than you actually are!
Be a trendsetter
Stop following the herd…. actually, poor choice of words. Please follow the herd and my blog of course, but while you’re at it, make your own original content. We want to hear your voice, not someone else’s. So be original and who knows, someone might actually like it.
Don’t buy in to the hype (You can hit the ground running)
Just because it’s normal for a blog to start off slow and lumber around like Hodor, doesn’t mean yours has too as well.
Through the annals of blogistry (blogging history) no man has ever done the impossible…But that’s not you, is it? You are not the average white male named John Smith. No. Your name is Barry Allen and you were struck by lightning, you are the fastest man alive and you will get this blog off to a quick start.
OK, maybe you’re not Barry Allen, (I really need to keep him off my keyboard) but you are still a shining whimsical unicorn that can succeed where most fail.
Essentially what that boils down to is stone cold hard work. But aside from the hard work, a lot of begging, crying, typing, sorcery and pintrest.
Be consistent. Don’t post once, get discouraged and give up.
I don’t know how many people I have seen get excited about starting a blog, proceed to yell it to the rooftops, cast the bat signal in the sky that “they are coming,” smash the publish button like its wack-a-mole and then suddenly just – stop.
Your first post is highly unlikely to be the greatest post of all time and even if it is, no one is going to see it. Not yet. Don’t be so quickly dissuaded. Start slow and be steady, like the tortoise, remember? Try posting for three months straight once a week and see how that feels. That’s twelve posts. Can you handle it?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” – Destiny’s Child
For god sakes people, have fun! Blogging is awesome, enjoy it. Enjoy writing and communicating with others, enjoy getting feedback and love. Enjoy the praises and adoration of a million fans calling out your name and instantly naming their children after you……kidding.
No, I wasn’t.